Sara

Wed, 05 Feb 2003 16:02:31 GMT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANTIONETTE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another year

Thu, 16 Jan 2003 13:54:00 GMT

Well, now another year of my life has gone by, and I really don't know what to say about that. I mean, there were a lot of good things in the past year, but also the bad things were really bad. It's really weird not having him "with" me anymore. Like, sometimes I think well it's ok, he wasn't all that wonderful of a guy anyway, and he is very replaceable. Other times though, I think the total opposite. There were so many good things that made me so happy, and I guess that I'm holding on to them. I have this big resentment towards him too. Like he screwed me over. Which, he really did. He looked me in the eyes and told me that him and I were fine. And this is not what fine is. He didn't even have enough respect for me to confront me. I really wonder if he knows how he screwed up my head and broke my heart. How am I suppose to trust someone now? I truly thought that he was different from everyone else... but I guess that I wasn't good enough for him. That has to be it... I just simply was not good enough for him. What do I need to change about myself that will make me good enough for someone else (Because if I was not good enough for him, then I'm most likely not going to be good enough for someone else). I see all these other people around me who are happy, and someone that is loyal, and cares, and wants them. What is so wrong with me that I can't have that?

Tue, 14 Jan 2003 17:39:44 GMT

Did you feel like something was definitely going to work out for you, and then you feel like an idiot when you get knocked back down to reality and see that your happiness is the last thing that is probably work out for you? Well, my life proved to make me feel like an asshole again! I don't know if I'm more upset that I got to be really happy for a few months and then it just ended up smacking me down harder then I've been in a long time, or that I honestly believed that things were going to work out for me this time. Why did I have to be so stupid? Now, he's sitting there all perfectly fine, and I feel like I'm never going to be good enough. I really want that cheesy fairy tale, and it's just not gonna happen. It's probably better to see things in reality, but all this reality hitting me at once just makes me want to die.

Wed, 24 Jul 2002 04:28:41 GMT

Well, I haven't updated in a really long time... so I thought that it was long over due. I can't say that I've been all that great lately. But, I can say that it makes me appreciate the good times more. It kills me though, because to someone that doesn't know what's going on in my head, they would say that my life is pretty good right now. But, truthfully, it's the total opposite. I'm just so miserable with so many things now. And, I spend so much time trying to act like I'm "fine" that I just get more miserable. I really thought that I was meant to be something special in this world, but now I'm not so sure. I've always wanted to change the world in some way. But, I'm realizing that I'm not that important, or that smart, or that pretty enough to make any kind of difference. I think that my SAT scores proved that I'll be lucky to even keep the job that I have now. And my personal life hasn't been much better. I hardly see any of my friends (besides Catherine). And, on top of that, I spend so much time wanting a guy that yes, does physical want me back, and cares about me a lot, and is a good friend to me. Oh yeah, and he also probably feels the same way about his pretty, nice, and funny girlfriend too. I know that at least for now, I can't have him the way I want him. He's already made a commiment to someone else, and she's a really wonderful person too (which really kills me). The logic in me knows that this situation isn't right for me, but the rest of me just can't get it through my thick head, and it keeps breaking my heart. And, I'm really afraid of being alone. I'm really trying to make my life happy, because that's what I want.... A happy life. I just don't know what has to change for that to happen for me.

Mon, 20 May 2002 14:28:04 GMT

I think that reality is really starting to hit me. I can't believe that I have been screwing around all these months, when I should have been studying for the SAT'S. The test is in 12 days. I have this huge book, and these flash cards. What if I do really bad. Then, there is no way that I will get into Fordam or St. John's. I haven't been sleeping all that well either. I guess that I'm really worried. Cause, if I don't don't get into Fordam, I'll be so crushed. Well, I guess that all I can do now is just study. My mind just keeps getting unfocused. All these things that I don't want to think about keep going through head. Life is just really "blah" right now. There's a big lack is feeling. It kinda goes; wake up, go to school, eat, go to work, go to sleep. Where the fuck is the fun. Wait? I've sold my life for a promotion. I stupidly believed that I was actually going to get those 9 to 5 Saturdays. But, I guess that they just "forgot" about it. But, the thing is that I can't quit. I need this job, if I want a car, and money to do anything. Well, I try to keep telling myself that everything will be fine. Things will get better. But, will it?

Tue, 14 May 2002 12:50:52 GMT

Well, instead of being in my gym class right now, I'm in the library. My principal thinks this is better for today, because of two bitches (I won't say any names, but most can figure it out). Hopefully though, that whole situation will get fixed up soon enough. They piss me off a lot more than I like to say. But, things seem like they're finally changing, which should be a really good thing (if it actually does change). All this week, I'm just waiting for Saturday. I'm working every single day, just to get Saturday off. It's prom. But, I'm not going, because I'm the loser that couldn't find anyone to take me. Oh well, proms suck anyway. I'll have a lot more fun hanging out with Catherine and Natalie. Actually, we're going to have a really kick ass time. I don't care if it's raining cats and dogs, Saturday better be a good time! Well, I'll I've been doing lately is working. Work has actually showen to be better ok. I got the promotion, a raise for my one year, and I won associate of the quarter. I'm glad that I did work my ass off then (and now), because it's finally starting to pay off. I just have to be a little more social again. Not that I don't want to be, but my job is really wraping my up. But, I want to fix that. I miss my friends.

Mon, 06 May 2002 12:41:54 GMT

Mon, 06 May 2002 12:38:29 GMT

Hey, don't be

Tue, 30 Apr 2002 19:14:29 GMT

I am so tired right now. You know a full day of school with no breaks, then Chemistry review is a really long day. And, it's not over yet. I still have to go to work tonight. Fun. But, I guess that's the price that I have to pay for this promotion. I'm just not use to hardly any sleep or no days to myself yet. I've also been getting majorly pissed off at work. And surprisingly it's not the customers that are doing it. It's way that company is run. I hate playing bitch to my job. It's not enough that they take my friday nights every week and mostly all of my Saturday nights (and of course all day Sunday), but sometimes I get treated like I'm their bitch. Just because I know what I'm doing and that I do it well, doesn't mean that I should be taken advantage of. Sorry I'm bitching, but it just really pissed me off this weekend, and I had to get it off my chest. I guess though that in the end that it's all worth it. I really do feel good about myself. Not many 16 year old girls become a supervisor after only 1 year with a company. Anyway, yesterday was really fun. Catherine and I ordered 30 wings, cheesy bread, and 6 in. sub, and sodas, from Dominos. It was pretty good. I never heard Catherine laugh as hard as when I opened my soda and the whole thing exploded on me. It was really funny. Then, we saw Ryan and Kenny Walter Steen. We got Carvel. Then, Catherine and I went home. It was one of those simple days that was really cool. I think that I need stupid a relaxing, peguin wearing (don't ask), day.

Fri, 12 Apr 2002 18:04:05 GMT

So, today was Black Friday. It went ok. I died at 9:05 AM. But, what really sucks is that so many people are just real assholes and take the whole situation like it's just one big joke. But, it's really not. 26 people throughout a school day are killed. I really wouldn't say that is a joke. How the fuck can someone honestly laugh and make jokes. Yeah, like they're really gonna be laughing when they're the ones that get hit and going through unimaginable pain, while trying to hang onto the little part of their meaningless lives' that they have left. Fucking assholes. What? Do they have blue blood or something running through their vains? Sorry, I just really hate the way that FUCKING HAUPPAUGE is. There is only a small handful of people that I can honestly say are people. I don't know what the fuck the rest of them are. I just know that they suck. End of story. Well, tonight is gonna be a really busy night. After school, I'm going to get snacks for my house, then Megan, Catherine, and I are going to my house. I have to then go to work at 5. Then, I have to meet up with everyone, hangout, then Megan & Catherine are sleeping over. Saturday and Sunday are basically just work all day. But, on Saturday my friend Chris (the one from the mall) is coming down to my job on my dinner break, and we're going to get greek food for dinner. It should be fun.... wherever greek food is, there's always a good time. I've now pretty much decided that the junior prom is not gonna be the place for me. They say that the junior prom sucks anyway. I'll just go to the senior one next year. I know that I would have had a terrible time anyway, so I'm just saving myself from getting upset on that night. Well, I got go. We (all us dead people) have to line up in front of the main office, to show how many do die this short a period of time.

Thu, 11 Apr 2002 18:06:04 GMT

what's your battle cry? |
mewing.net | merchandise!

Wed, 10 Apr 2002 19:00:02 GMT

Which Angelina Are You?

Tue, 09 Apr 2002 18:12:27 GMT

The vacation week flew by so fast, and now it's back to school. The first two days have so far went by pretty fast for me. Lets hope that the rest do to. Yesterday, I went with Megan to my job, and she went for an interview and got hired. So, I guess that it will be pretty cool working with her. We'll have fun. I really need to sign up for the SATs. My dad's gonna kill me if I don't do really well on them. Well, I guess I'll just have to wait and see how it goes. Not only are the SATs coming up, but so is the prom. Megan, Allie, and Dave Harold are pretty much my only friends that are juniors that I know are definitely going. Megan is bringing Mark, Allie is bringing Dave, and I have no date so far. I don't why I want to go, but I do. But, I'm definitely not going to be the 5th wheel. That would just be so terrible. Megan is trying to find me a date, but I guess that we'll just have to wait and see what happens with that.

Sat, 30 Mar 2002 14:39:39 GMT

Why do things just go totally wrong sometimes? Like when one thing isn't working out for you, even more things on top of that start to get fucked up. I guess it's just one of the "perks" of life. I feel really bad, because I got in a big fight with this guy last night. I just couldn't let it slip (the way he talked to me and treated me). I mean, he's a really great guy and all, but recently I just feel bad when I talk to him. I hope that we're working things out, but I don't know. I told him that, "I wouldn't do this anymore. That I wasn't willing to fight with him anymore. I just don't have it in me." I really hope that wasn't taken the wrong way. I just need to fix my problems with him and stop fighting with him ALL of the time. Well, I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens with that. I think that I've also been a BIG PAIN IN THE ASS lately, because I've been complaining about a certain phone call I'm waiting for from a certain somebody. I'm sorry to all of you that are listening to my complainants about him lately. I just really want him to call me for some reason. I just have this feeling that he's not gonna call me. But, what can I do... if he doesn't want me, he doesn't want me, right? Chasing after him like an asshole isn't going to change that in the slightest, now is it? Guys have just been driving me crazy! I'm tired of waiting for the perfect situation to come along. But, I don't know if I have any other chose. When I went home last night, I was still really upset about the fight, and I just starting thinking about everything. I really realized how fucked up C made me. I don't want to blame him for my issues with guys, but I do. Every since he left me, I have so much hostility toward guys. How did I let this happen to me? But not more. I may miss him so much that it hurts my heart, but I don't care anymore. The C that I love is dead to me. There is something else there in him now. And, that something else walked out on me. I have to make what was there just a memory.

Tue, 26 Mar 2002 20:29:40 GMT

Would you survive a horror movie? Find out @ She's Crafty

I LOVE SAMOAS!!!!!!!

Mon, 25 Mar 2002 20:54:05 GMT

I'm in the library now with Antoinette and Catherine... All I really wanted to say was that I LOVE SAMOAS!!!!!!

Mon, 25 Mar 2002 20:02:59 GMT

Well, my weekend was pretty cool. Most people were busy on Friday, and it left me Catherine for that night. We had a kick ass time. We rented weird (but good) movies. And, the best part, we got greek food. It was so great. We were laughing at everything.... we just said every stupid thing that came to our heads, and laughed (Catherine: "White rice"). It was nice, because it was like I didn't have to think about any of my problems or anything, and just had good all around fun. Then, on Saturday I went to work in the morning. It was ok. I was working front line. God, how I love being in charge at work... it makes me feel smart. Chris, Grant, Catherine, and I were suppose to play pool across the street from my job, but then ended up seeing a movie (and Jay came too). I saw the cutest little boy selling candy... I had to buy candy from him (even though I hated everything he was selling). I hope that my children (if I have children) look that cute. We saw Blade 2... it was ok. It could have been a little more about vampires. Then, I worked on Sunday. I now offically know how to do everything at my store. I'm thinking that it's time to ask for a raise, but we'll see if I get the balls to or not. Besides that, I spent the rest of the night on the phone with Catherine and Chris. Chris and I had this conversation about what happens to people when they die. It really for some reason scares me... what does happen to us when we die? Where do we go? I guess that my big concern, is do we go anywhere? Chris said that he believes that we are like a battery and just stop working, and that's it. But, I can't believe that. If I believe that, then that's means that this is it. My one shot. No more after this. I truly do believe in God. I believe that there is an afterlife. But, for some reason that what if just always seems to go through my head. The only thing that doesn't make me completely depressed about this, is that I know that I'm not going to be the only one.... every human being dies. I told Chris that I want my body cryogenically frozen (like Walt Disney's is) when I die, and to be brought back when they figure out how to fix me. He thought that I was just joking, but I really wasn't. This stuff had to have gone through other people's heads before. How does everyone deal with that?

Greek Food Friday

Wed, 20 Mar 2002 21:50:58 GMT

Well, I'm so excited right now.... Normal people wouldn't be, be I am. Me and Catherine just made plans to get greek food on friday and see Blade 2. I can't wait. I haven't eaten at the Greek Restaurant for so long. Catherine doesn't get my excitement over a gryo and greek salad, because to her, it's just another hamburger. Well, I got to go and try to find Grant and Chris (they are coming for the ring dance).

Drift & Die

Tue, 19 Mar 2002 01:31:20 GMT

I was listening to my Puddle of Mudd CD and I thought that this one song that I was listening to was really (Drift & Die). Here's the words:

(Verse 1)
Forgotten thoughts of yesterday
Though my eyes I see the past
I don't know I don't know I don't know why
I believe I believe in the truth from inside
Go away go away go away from me
Leave me alone

(Chorus)
Ignorance spreads lies how much will money buy
Well I'll take my time as I drift and Die

(Verse 2)
Unwanted live my life in shame who's to blame for my mistakes
I don't know I don't know I don't know why
I believe I believe in the truth from inside
Go away go away go away from me & leave me alone

(Chorus)
Ignorance spreads lies how much will money buy
Well I'll take my time as I drift and die
As I drift and die

Forgotten, unwanted, ignorant

I just think it's a really good song... good meaning. It's short, but makes me think about my life a lot.

Mon, 18 Mar 2002 02:35:44 GMT

A lot of things have been on my mind lately. It's really been driving me crazy too. I was talking to Chris last night at like 1 or 2 in the morning, and I think that I have figured out what is really wrong with me. The part of my heart that I keep for my friends is perfect (And that's the part of my life that I'm really happy with). But, the parts of my heart that I suppose to have for loving and respecting myself, and romatically loving someone are empty. I mean, I don't really hate everything about myself. There are things that I like about myself, but I just want something that I do to be really meaningfully in a good way. I don't just want be alive for the hell of being alive, I also want to feel alive so badly. But, maybe I can't do that, until I let things go, and except the reality of my life. I've been thinking for a while that when I let him go, when I'm not in love with him anymore, that I'll be ok. What if I'm not? I hold this fantasy with me and him, and if I don't have that... what does that part of my heart have to live for. I crave to feel that passion again like that. But, at the same time, my heart tells me that I'm not ready. I probably make no sense at all. I really think that he fucked up everything for me. But, I let him.... I knew what he was, and I let myself ignore it. And, I'm paying the price for it now.

Fri, 15 Mar 2002 15:19:31 GMT

I am so tired right now... and bored. Not a good combination. I'm probably fall asleep on the computer now or something. I could do this Marketing cross word puzzle now, but cross word puzzles piss me off so much. It shows the lack of brains I have. Oh well, if you don't have brains enough to do cross words, you just don't have brain enough to do cross words. What can you do? I hope that Chris figures something out for all of us to do tonight. Although I won't be totally destroyed if I stayed home tonight. I mean, I don't want to stay home, but I could use the rest. It's Friday, I have to go out. We'll all figure out something to do probably, we always seem to. I just ate part of one of those fund raiser Snickers bars. I can't believe that I donated $1 to help the cheerleaders or something. Well, I was really hungry. Maybe they're get longer skirts with the money. Whatever, if they want to be whores, they want to be whores, doesn't affect me much.

Thu, 14 Mar 2002 19:06:59 GMT

I haven't posted for a couple of days, and I'm in my computer class, and have nothing to do, so I figured that this would be the perfect time to update. Well, last Saturday Chris and I hung-out. We saw the crappest movie ever (Gaelen & Natalie- it was even worse than Bats). But, my coffee was really good. Then, we ate at Bolder Creek. Good food. I felt really bad though, because I guess the night didn't go the way that Chris wanted, but he insists that he had a good time with me. I think that he was just trying to make me feel better. Things are really confusing with him lately. Not because of him though, but because of me. I'm always the one that screws up with him. But, I can't help what's going through my heart and my head, can I? I'm really trying to, but I don't know how successful I've been at it. Chris thinks that it's going to take at least a couple of months for me to straighten things out in my head, and be ready to be in a relationship again. He's been really good through out all of this though. He's really patient with me. He's been giving me the time I need to go through whatever it is that I have to go through. I just feel really lost right now. I'm so embarrassed about it though. I never thought that a guy could affect my life so much. And for so long on that matter. It kills me though that he's probably so happy right now, and I can't get him out of my head or my heart. It's like I know he's gone for go, and I don't want to be with him or anything, but I can't get over the fact that a man that spends a year and a half with a girl (and is in love and committed), just leaves her like that. What the fuck is he deal? Now, I'm sitting here a huge wreck. I use to be really good with relationship probelms, but now it's just the oppsite now. I'm just getting really tired of how much he's done to my life. I am so sorry that all my close friends have had to hear about it for the past ten months, and I sorry that Chris' relationship with me has to be affected my it now. I just don't know how to change the way that I think and feel about him, yet.

Ducky Quiz

Wed, 06 Mar 2002 19:27:36 GMT

Look at your blue self with your spoon and polka-dotted bib. Are we a little hungry?

Find your inner rubber ducky.

Maturity Test

Tue, 05 Mar 2002 22:59:07 GMT

Take the "How immature are you?" Test

created by sami

Tue, 05 Mar 2002 22:34:16 GMT

I woke this morning so nervous. I really thought that I was going to throw my brains up. So, to calm my nerves, what do I do, but eat. I had a nice bowl of Apple & Cinnamon oatmeal, then a chocolate chip muffin at school. See, I was so nervous today, because I had my big meeting with Dr. Schlanger today (The school Principal). I had everything ready to go for early graduation next year, except his signature. Well, the meeting went pretty well. He signed and all. A lot of uncomfortable questions came up though, but I think that I handled them well. I just hope that he didn't sign it for me out of pitty. I even tried to dress all nice school girl today for him. I'm just glad that it's done and over with. But, it's finally hitting me now... I'm really going to be a senior next year. You know I've talked about it a lot within the past two years, but I myself never honestly thought that I would be able to make it. I knew that I wanted to do it, but I never thought that it would finally happen for me. I don't anyone could understand just how happy I am right now. It's like I accomplished something today. I started to set up my future. Though there are still a lot of odds and ends to figure out, I at least know what direction I'm going in. I do have a lot of work ahead of me, but I really feel motivated to do it. I like this feeling that I have right now. The feeling of accomplishing something for me. I'm not doing this to prove something, or for someone else.... I'm doing this for myself, and as corny as it sounds and all, I really feel good about school life right now (God, just please let me pass everything this year too). Even though my private life is a little confusing, I still feel great. I'm really feel high on life right now. Anyway, tonight I'm suppose to go out to dinner with Joe, but I doubt it will happen... he'll probably flake out on me or something, oh well. Not the end of the world now, is it?